Living through change: why we don’t need all the answers
Sometimes, thinking about the future can feel overwhelming, particularly when we’re living through change. Transitional periods are unsettling, whether brought about through change we choose, or change that we don’t. Life is full of twists and turns, from changes in relationship status to new jobs or moving house, which sometimes leave us wondering where on earth to start.
Feeling overwhelmed is something that affects us all from time to time, and over the years, I’ve undergone several significant personal and professional changes which have left me searching for solid ground. I’d like to share with you some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned - both through my own experiences and throughout my career as a leadership coach - which have helped me to overcome these feelings of overwhelm and get things moving in the right direction.
Start small
“If you wish to move mountains tomorrow, you must start by lifting stones today.”
This is the first -and perhaps the most important - lesson. We all know that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but what does that really mean when we’re faced with an (apparently) insurmountable challenge? One of the techniques which I find most useful is to pick a single - perhaps even insignificant - starting point; some small aspect of the situation that I know I can take control of. That way, you can start with a small success and build from there. So, if you’ve just started a new job and feel you have no idea what you’re doing (you do really, you’ll be fine!), then start with something manageable. Hang a noticeboard in your office. Fill your first week’s calendar with meetings getting to know your colleagues. Make the coffee and learn everyone’s names. The point is, it doesn’t really matter. Just choose something small and give yourself an ‘easy win’, to help build your confidence and get that ball rolling.
I’ve just moved house and had no idea where to start on the decor, or how I would possibly get everything done to turn it into the beautiful home that I want it to be. After realising that feeling overwhelmed wasn’t getting me anywhere, I finally realised that I just had to start with something - anything. So I chose the wallpaper and despite having some reservations, I’m so pleased with how it looks. Yes, there are a million other things that are still yet to be done, but ticking that one thing off my list has given me a great sense of achievement, and the first job is out of the way. I no longer have an entire house to decorate. Just most of a house! But you get the point: when we experience change, we tend to convince ourselves that we have to get all of it right. But that’s not the case. We don’t need to have all the answers right away, just one small answer at a time will do.
When I coach people through career transition, they often - mistakenly - believe that everything in their life needs to be in place and organised in a certain way, before they can make a career move. Similarly, women on the verge of relationship transition almost always report needing to have everything ‘in order’ before they can make the move. But sometimes, rather than helping us, this attitude can paralyse us into inactivity and get in the way of making the changes that we want to see in our lives.
Mastering something small usually gets us moving in the right direction, and prevents us from feeling overwhelmed into the bargain. So just remember: don’t worry about the mountain, focus on the stones for now.
Paint a picture of how you’d like your future to look
“Every now and then one paints a picture that seems to have opened a door and serves as a stepping stone to other things.”
When I moved into my previous house, I wanted it to be beautiful and welcoming, with the front window framed by an abundance of roses. But I had my work cut out! I started by taking a picture of the window as it was - bare and uninviting - and used a drawing app to create the image I wanted to see (or some approximation of it - I’m no artist!). With this vision and some effort in the intervening years, the window was eventually beautifully framed by white and pink roses - just as I had imagined. It was exactly what I had wanted to create, and I achieved it by first deciding what I wanted, then painting a picture and finally, making it happen.
Painting a picture of the future that you’d like to see is remarkably powerful. It’s a technique often used in leadership coaching, but you can apply it to any situation to aid decision-making, because it helps us to clarify what we really want, what the next important step is in our lives (even if it’s something as simple as planting a rose bush or two). Once we’ve decided what we really want and imagined how it will feel - or look - to have it, then we’re already on the right path to achieving it.
This approach is especially helpful when we start small. For example, if you're looking at a career change, then you don’t have to hand in your notice, grab your stapler and cheese plant and storm out of the office demanding your P45 that afternoon (you could do, but it’s probably not necessary). Instead, try painting a picture of what’s missing from your working week that you might be able to change. It can be anything that’s important to you: like quality thinking time; a stronger connection with other people; time to read and reflect on a regular basis. Or if you’re unhappy in a romantic relationship, then you could try painting a picture of what you’d like your free time with your partner to look like, or how you’d like to communicate with them.
If, like me, you’re not a natural artist then don’t panic! It doesn’t have to literally be a picture. You could write a list, create a mood board or scrapbook, record voice notes for yourself… whatever works for you.
Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers - at least not right now. Painting a picture (literally or otherwise) helps you to identify what matters, which is the first step in getting what you want. Once you have your picture, remember to deal with one small thing at a time. That way, you can approach changes in your life - even the big ones - in a manageable way. Not only that, you’ll probably enjoy the process.
