What to do when our own grief is triggered
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”
Recently, we’ve all been confronted with a very public outpouring of grief in response to the Queen’s death. Whatever your feelings about the monarchy, times like these can trigger feelings of grief, loss, sadness, regret, even anger in so many of us. The media coverage is almost impossible to avoid, and it can feel as though we’re surrounded on all sides by images and stories of other people’s grief and sadness. This makes it difficult not to remember our own losses - however long ago they may have occurred - even if those feelings have been buried for some time.
For me personally, I’ve been reminded of the loss of my own mother last year. Although I’ve been learning to live with this loss for a while now, the recent show of public mourning has brought many of my own feelings of loss to the surface once again, which has been pretty challenging for me.
Rekindling painful emotions is a normal part of the grieving process, and something which can even happen in response to happy memories of loved ones. But when our grief is triggered, it can leave us feeling as though we haven’t moved on as far as we thought we had; like we’re right back there, in the middle of it.
The first thing that’s important to remember is that it’s okay! It’s perfectly normal to find your grief suddenly triggered: this won’t be the first or the last time it happens. Learning to live with loss of any kind isn’t a linear path; in fact, it’s far from it. It’s a meandering journey with plenty of ups and downs along the way. One day we might feel in control of our emotions, as though we’ve made progress and our grief is manageable. But the next day might bring something completely different, and leave us feeling as though we’re taking one step forward and two steps back. Don’t worry, every response is normal. It’s a personal journey and we all follow our own path.
That said, there are some small steps we can take to help manage our grief better, and to control some of these triggers so we’re not completely blindsided by them. One of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to embrace self care. I’ve talked a lot about self care in the past, not just in relation to managing grief, but its importance in all aspects of our lives. You can check out my other self care blog to find out more about what self care means for me.
Self care is really about making sure that we prioritise our own wellbeing, don’t push ourselves too hard and acknowledge when we might need a little extra attention. Whether this means getting more sleep, eating well, making time for exercise, setting aside time for journaling or practising meditation, just do whatever works for you. For me, self care always begins with reconnecting with the natural world by spending time outdoors, making sure I’m nourishing my body with the right food and taking time to do some of the things I enjoy, like baking. It sounds pretty basic I know, but once I start taking these small steps, I always begin to feel just that little bit better.
After self care, it might help to look at some of the things which are triggering your grief. Once you know what your triggers are, you can take steps to avoid them, or at least better prepare yourself to face them when they assail you. They’re different for everyone, but they might include special songs, certain perfumes, even meaningful places - anything which reminds you of your loss and elicits painful emotions. Take time to think about what activates feelings of grief for you and if possible, avoid those things until you’re ready to face them. That might be sooner than you think, or it might be never.
Right now, I’m taking steps to practise self care, as well as switching off the TV and avoiding social media to avoid triggering my own grief. Each one of us is different and there’s no right or wrong way to manage grief and loss, it’s something that we all deal with in our own, unique way.
Last week I burst into tears when the dental hygienist touched a tender spot, so suffice to say I’m obviously still fragile … So whatever you do to help move through this time of change, be sure you put yourself first, give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling and don’t judge yourself for it.
