The importance of self compassion during times of change
“With self compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
Significant change - like moving house, changing jobs, or living through a bereavement - creates uncertainty and instability for us all. This can leave us feeling apprehensive, insecure about the future, even a bit lost. Many of us experience feelings of self-doubt (it kicks in occasionally for us all!) about how we’ll face the challenges of the next chapter in our lives; and also loss for what we’re leaving behind, because new beginnings go hand-in-hand with endings, completions and letting go.
Although change is an inevitable part of life, at times like these it can be challenging to thrive. In fact, sometimes it’s all we can do to keep our head above the water!
I can relate to these feelings 100% (my recent house move and the subsequent series of Instagram Lives as an example) and for me, one of the most important coping tools during times of change is self compassion. This isn’t the same as self care (although both are important). In order to successfully navigate times of change, we need to practise both self care and self compassion. When we talk about self care, we mean the day-to-day actions we take to look after ourselves, the practical things like eating well and making sure we get enough sleep and fresh air, or asking for help from a friend or colleague.
Self-compassion, for most of us, is a bit more difficult. It refers to the way we talk to ourselves, our mindset and our inner dialogue. Kristin Neff has produced some excellent work on the subject of self compassion. She divides it into three elements:
Self kindness vs self judgement: instead of criticising ourselves when we fail or feel inadequate, we should be more forgiving and understanding towards ourselves.
Common humanity vs isolation: a certain degree of suffering and feelings of inadequacy are part of the shared human experience: we all go through these things, so there’s no need to feel alone or isolated.
Mindfulness vs over identification: this refers to observing our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity, without judgement, and relating our personal experiences to those of others so that we can view changes in our own lives in a broader perspective.
For some reason, we’re usually much harder on ourselves than we are on other people. We’re not to be taught how to be self compassionate, but it’s vital, particularly during times of change and instability. So, how do we learn to be kinder to ourselves?
This checklist is a really useful tool for practising self compassion. Try going over it daily until it becomes a habit. Pretty soon, you’ll be practising self compassion like a pro.
I am enough
I am ok
I’m doing my best
I’m proud of myself
I am loved
I love how I…..
I am safe
I tried
I succeeded
It’s ok to stop
Kristin Neff also has an excellent selection of self compassion exercises on her website. Try out a few and see what works for you.
In the meantime, if you're facing change at the moment, keep leaning into self compassion. Be kind to yourself rather than judgmental. Chances are you’re already doing this for everyone else, so why not extend this common courtesy to yourself?
I can’t put it better than another inspiring woman, Brené Brown, who says:
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”
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