Back to school (how to help your kids)

How to help children with change

This week children in Scotland are heading back to school.  They’ve had a huge amount of change in the last 18 months and, for some, the return to classrooms will be no big deal.  For others, yet more change could rock their worlds a little more than usual.  And for you as parents, back to school could be filled with eager anticipation or with dread!  I’ve had both types of back to school experience over the years, so I can empathise with however you’re currently feeling. 

I specialise in helping adults to navigate change but I thought I’d pull together my ideas on how to support children through change to help you ride the waves of the next few weeks.  I hope they spark some ideas and help you to help your children.  Please always remember that you know your child better than anyone else and if you have significant concerns about them do ask a professional for help and advice.   

Your kids might have had a lot of experience with change, or they might not.  Our experience with change influences how we see it.  If we’ve had a lot of positive experience of change and we think that good comes out of it, we’re more likely to embrace it.  If, on the other hand, we have had negative experience of change then we are more likely to avoid it or resist it.  One of the biggest things you can do to help your children to navigate change is to signpost times when they have been through change and good has come from it.  

1.Focus on the positive

Remind your child of times in the past when they’ve been through change and it has been a positive experience.  You could do this by:

• printing out pictures from previous experience with change,

• talking about it at dinner time, or

• spending time drawing with them.

For example, you might say ‘Remember when you started at nursery you were worried who you would be friends with, and now Fred and Josie are your best friends.  Just imagine who you might meet at school this time’.  Ideally the experience of change will be in the child’s own life.  If you really struggle to find any positive examples, you can draw on your own experience.  

2. Hand over control

Let your child control what they can control.  Change can feel scary because we don’t feel in control, so find the places where your child can have control.  Some children struggle with being in the school environment because so much control seems to be taken away.  You can help them to recognise where they do have choices. For example ask them what they’d like for breakfast or in their packed lunch when they go back to school.  For older children you can also help them to choose what they need in their school bag or how they’d like to plan getting their homework done.

3. See the bigger picture

Part of navigating any change is fitting it into the context of the bigger picture.  It helps us to create change or react to things that come our way if we can see how they fit in our bigger picture.  When you’re a child, going back to school seems huge, so it can be helpful to help the child see it as part of a bigger picture in their life.  In practical terms this might mean: 

• planning in time with their friends or close family at the weekends,

• making sure that they still have time to do the things they love outside school, or

• having a chat about all the things that are not to do with school.

This can also be a great one for those days when you pick up your child from school and ask them how their day was, only to get a one-word answer! (Usually ‘fine’).

4. Keep connected

Change can feel destabilising because we can often feel lost.  When you’re little that’s even more scary, so keeping connection is important. For younger children you can give them a small teddy or cuddly companion to keep in their school bag.  You can also print a picture of you that they can have so they know you’re thinking of them. For older children it might be a post-it note in their bag or homework diary that just says hi, or a text at lunchtime to say you’re thinking of them (depending on the rules about phone use in school of course!).  Find ways to remind your child that you’re there for them and that, even though you’re not physically there you do still care.  In a world where kids have spent so much time homeschool this one feels even more important than usual. 

5. Take time for yourself.

Parenting is not easy.  Parenting in a pandemic is even harder.  To help your child cope with change you have to start with your own oxygen mask.  Plan some time to yourself during these back to school days.  Ideally take a day off and really make the time to nurture yourself.  If that’s out of reach just now, then try to at least carve out time for your favourite beverage, read a magazine or some of your favourite book, or listen to a podcast.  Then write down three things you’re celebrating about you as a parent and keep them somewhere safe for the hard days.  We find it so easy to judge ourselves as parents but ultimately I’m pretty sure if you’re reading this you’re doing a good job. You’re being intentional about helping your children and doing what you can to help them grow up in the world.  Keep going! 

Finally, always remember that these days do not last forever.  When you’re in the middle of dealing with a tantrum from a younger child who’s exhausted from being back at school, or when you’re stretched to the max with a teenager feeling the pressure of a new term and all that entails, remember that this will pass.  Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and remember that you are not in this alone.

If you’ve found this helpful please feel free to share it with a friend and if you’d like to receive more tips and tools to help you navigate change you can sign up for my newsletter at the bottom of this page.