You’re not a fish, get off the hook
Earlier this year I became a university drop out. I didn't like it much, but it has helped me to learn something.
I had started a Masters Degree in Neuroscience and Psychology of Mental Health. I was part-way through the second module when I stopped the course. I wanted to do the course to further my professional knowledge and deepen the resources I had available to serve my clients. I was also looking for something to stretch and challenge me academically. I do have a vague idea that at some point I might do a PhD. I'd researched courses. I had talked it through with friends and my coach and supervisor and I really thought it was going to be great! Armed with highlighters, new notebooks and an enthusiasm for learning I prepared for the fact that it would be hard. This was my first academic study in over 15 years and a course which had a lot more 'science' to it than my previous studies. I was ready though and threw myself into it with my usual gung-ho approach!
The first module was super super tough. Techniques in neuroscience included things that made no sense! Electrophysiology, polyclonal antibodies - it was a total foreign language to me! I joked with many around me that I needed to keep going back to basics. Most of the time for me this meant starting with 'heads, shoulders, knees and toes' and working up from there. It was a steep learning curve, but I was proud of the progress I made. I also gained random pub quiz knowledge such as how you can use a fruit fly to study aspects of Parkinson's disease in humans! (I know. Who even imagined that this was a possibility?!?!)
The second module arrived and I was dealing with some things in my personal life and I fell behind. Each module was only seven weeks long so it doesn't take much to fall significantly behind. I knew I could catch up but I also started to think 'do I really want to?' I started to realise that the course was far more scientific and diagnosis based than I had hoped it would be. The focus was on clinical aspects which really don't relate to my work. I looked at the detail of the modules for the rest of the course and asked for input from my tutors. I realised that the course really wasn't the right one for me. I could have caught up. I had got a great grade for module one, but I realised I didn't want to catch up.
In hindsight I realise that I actually knew from the outset that the course wasn't right for me. I asked pretty much the same question of the admissions team about the clinical emphasis. What I notice now is that I heard the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to make it work. I wanted it to be the right course, so I ignored the facts in front of me. As changemakers I don't think that's the only time that happens. Sometimes we can want something so much that we ignore the warning signs that it's not right for us and carry on regardless.
Luckily, I realised and accepted it at that point. I contacted the university and told them I wanted to stop the course. It was hard. I felt like I was failing. I felt like I should continue and finish the (two-year) course. I felt like a drop-out. But I also knew it was right. I even sent an email to my tutor to say that I didn't want to talk about it because I had a feeling he would try to talk me out of my decision. I don't regret the module I did, or the choice that I made. It did take time to make peace with that though.
Actually, for me right now, I'm ok with not pursuing it. Choosing to leave my course was a huge sign of success. I let myself off the hook that I'd caught myself on. I'm not a fish, I didn't need to stay there.
I'm sharing this story because it may be that you have caught yourself on a hook. Maybe there's a relationship that's no longer serving you? Maybe you have a responsibility that needs to move on to someone else? Or maybe there's simply something that you don't want to do anymore? Let yourself off the hook. You are not a fish. Let yourself swim freely!
There won't be a graduation day for me - this time. And that is perfectly ok.
