Why self-care is not just flowers & spa days
Wherever you are and whatever your current priorities, I hope you are taking time for self-care and for self-compassion. They might sound the same but they are different and you need both. In this blog post I’m going to explain the difference, why we need to have them and offer some practical suggestions for how to live them in your day-to-day life.
I’ve been through periods of really big change in my life in the past, and of course, in the last couple of years. And I haven’t always been particularly good at practicing self-care or self-compassion. I’ve had to learn the hard way that it doesn’t actually help me to neglect these two key practices. But what’s the difference between the two?
Self-care is the day-to-day actions you take to look after yourself. It’s the practical stuff. The acts that other people can’t do for you.
Self-compassion is the way you talk to yourself, your mindset and your inner dialogue. It’s the mind game. And at any time in our lives, we need both, but particularly when we are living with change. Remember I specialise in helping people to thrive through change - whether it’s change they choose or change that life throws at them. And I’ve seen in both my own life and my clients’ lives the difference it can make when we practice both self-care and self-compassion. Let’s take a look at what it means in practice.
For self-care, people often think that it’s about spa days or buying yourself a bar of chocolate - and it can be, but it’s also sometimes about the harder things. It can be making the appointment to see the doctor, asking for help when you need it, or just switching off your phone and acknowledging that you’re feeling wrung out or sad.
Maybe make a note for yourself now of three things that would be acts of self-care that would support you in the next week.
What are the practical actions you can take to look after yourself?
I’m in the middle of big changes in my life (again) and for me, if I’m totally honest with myself, self-care right now probably needs to look like getting more rest, saying no to things that aren’t essential between now and the middle of the month, and making sure we have healthy, but quick and easy meals to nourish us. Even the act of writing those down makes me realise how important they are, even though it would be tempting to ignore or deny them. I’d love to hear your three things so reply and share them if you have a minute!
Self-compassion is much more about the way we talk to ourselves. Keep an eye on my blog for a post that I’m sharing this month about the work of Kristin Neff and the elements of self-compassion. To keep it simple for today, I’d like you to think of it as being the way you talk to yourself in your own head. Those thoughts and comments that run through your mind all the time. Perhaps they’re positive, perhaps they aren’t. I know from all the work I do with clients that we often have a much harder tone of conversation with ourselves than we do with others. As we live with change, and cope with challenging times, you might notice that your thoughts and what you say to yourself is not really what you would say to anyone else. As a short and practical step to help you build more self-compassion I’d like to invite you to take five minutes to do the following:
Think of a friend or colleague who’s been through a really hard time lately.
Write them a short note of 2-4 sentences expressing your support and acknowledgement of them.
Start it with ‘Dear (their name),’
How easy or hard was it to write that note and think what to say?
Now write the note again, without the ‘Dear (your friends’ name)’ at the start.
This time write your own name at the top ‘Dear (your name) and read the note to yourself.
Most people find it much harder to treat themselves with compassion. We tend not to be taught how to be self-compassionate and yet it’s vital.
I’d love to hear the impact of this exercise if you’re willing to message me and let me know how it felt.
