Back to school: helping your child (and yourself) to cope with change

Most children are now back at school after the long summer break and as you may already know, my daughter is heading to university this month. It’s a big change for us both, and it’s made me reflect on the fact that this time of year can be difficult for many people - children and parents alike.

Although I specialise in helping adults and big corporations to navigate change, many of the skills and strategies I teach are just as relevant outside the corporate world, even for children. Which is why I thought it would be a good idea to share some of those ideas here, in the hope that it might help you to support your children through this time of change, at the same time as helping you to ride those waves yourself.

Your kids might have had a lot of experience with change, or they might not.  Our experience with change can have a big impact on how we see it: if our experiences of change have been mostly positive, then we’re more likely to face it head on. But if we’ve had one or more negative experiences of change, we’re more likely to avoid it or resist it.  Here are my top five tips for helping yourself and your children to navigate change:

1. Focus on the positives

Remind your child of times in the past when they’ve been through change and it has been a positive experience. You could do this by:

• Printing out pictures of a positive experience with change.

• Starting a conversation at dinner time which focuses on the positives.

• Using art and crafts to open up the topic.

For example, you might say: “remember when you started at nursery and you were worried who you would be friends with, and now Fred and Josie are your best friends.  Just imagine who you might meet at school this term”.  Ideally, the change will be something that has happened in their own life, but if you really struggle to find any positive examples, you can draw on your own experience.  

2. Hand over control

Change can feel scary because we don’t feel in control, so find the places where your child can have control. Some children struggle with being in the school environment because so much control seems to be taken away, so helping them to recognise where they do have choices can make the experience less scary. For example, you could ask them what they’d like to take in their packed lunch, or help them to choose what they need in their school bag or how they’d like to plan getting their homework done. Equally, if you’re going to have lots of extra time to fill whilst your child is out of the house (or away from home), then take control of your own time by planning things you will enjoy doing, like taking up a new hobby or meeting friends for coffee.

3. See the bigger picture

Part of navigating change is fitting it into the context of the bigger picture. The return to school - or university - can feel like a huge change, so it can be helpful to look at it as part of a bigger picture, and to think about everything else that will continue to happen outside of that change. In practical terms this might mean: 

• Planning time with friends or family at the weekends or during holidays.

• Making sure that your children (and you!) still have time to do the things they love outside school or uni.

• Talking about interests which are not to do with school.

4. Stay connected

Change can feel destabilising, which is why it’s important to maintain a strong connection with our children. For younger children, this might mean popping a small teddy in their school bag. For older children it might be a post-it note in their bag or homework diary that just says “hi!”, or sending a text at lunchtime to say you’re thinking of them. Find ways to remind your child that you’re there for them, even though you’re not there at that moment. This will also help you to feel connected with them.

5. Take time for yourself

Parenting is not easy, but before you can help your child cope with change, you have to start by putting on your own oxygen mask. Plan some time to yourself during these back to school weeks, and take time to nurture yourself. If that feels out of reach just now, then try to at least carve out a few moments to buy yourself your favourite coffee, treat yourself to a magazine you like, or listen to a podcast on the way to work or whilst you’re doing the laundry. 

It may also help to write down three things you’re celebrating about yourself as a parent, and keep them somewhere safe for those days when you’re finding things a bit difficult. If you don’t have children, then write down things that you’re celebrating about you as an individual. Most of us find it pretty easy to judge ourselves; celebrating the things we’re doing well may not come naturally, but it’s much more valuable. 

Finally, always remember that these days - and feelings - won’t last forever. If you or your children are feeling the pressure of a new term and all that entails, remember that it will pass. Take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and remember that you are not in this alone.

If you’ve found this helpful please feel free to share it with a friend and if you’d like to receive more tips and tools to help you navigate change, then why not sign up for my weekly newsletter.

And don’t forget - you know your child better than anyone else, so if you have significant concerns about them, then ask a professional for help and advice.