10 Tips for Boosting Self Confidence
We’re not all born with confidence. Quite the opposite, in fact. Most of us are highly critical of ourselves and lack confidence much of the time. I’m an experienced leadership coach (the 20+ years of experience kind), but I often question my own abilities and wonder whether I’m capable of inspiring and motivating others, even though experience has taught me that I am! Imposter syndrome and self doubt affect many people - even those who enjoy successful lives and careers. If, like me, you sometimes lack confidence, you’ll know that it can hold you back in ways you wish it didn’t.
When we lack confidence, we may also experience a lack of self worth. This can make it difficult to put ourselves first, especially if doing so involves difficult or unpleasant interactions, like:
Tackling a challenging conversation
Asking for a promotion at work
Taking a stand for what we believe in
Asking our partner to share more of the load at home
Personally, I sometimes find myself putting off difficult tasks until I feel more confident, but this isn’t always a good idea. Delaying difficult interactions leaves us vulnerable to being taken advantage of (because we find it hard to speak up for ourselves). It also seriously impacts our satisfaction levels, leading to unnecessary anxiety and stress.
So, why do so many of us lack confidence whilst others seem to have it in abundance?
Well, perhaps it’s not that simple. It’s all too easy to compare ourselves unfavourably to other, seemingly confident people. We want that ‘magic thing’ that they have, and we think that if only we had it, everything would be okay. But perhaps people that appear to be super-confident aren’t really so different from the rest of us. Scratch the surface and they’re probably just as nervous and unsure of themselves as we are. They might just be better at hiding it, or more practised at putting their insecurities aside and getting on with things.
Many of us use our perceived lack of confidence as a sort of security blanket, to protect ourselves from the danger of the unknown. It’s a lack of confidence that stops us from trying new things, speaking out, taking risks, grabbing the bull by the horns and seizing the day. And believe me, I’m just as guilty of this as the next person. But it can be overcome!
The most sure-fire way to boost confidence is to put our insecurities aside, ignore those little voices in our head telling us we can’t, and decide that we can.
If you still don’t know where to start, then here are 10 tips for boosting your self confidence. Follow these and pretty soon, you’ll be unstoppable.
1. Stop worrying about what other people think about you: you’re not responsible for what your mum, boss, neighbour or partner thinks. Be your own person and make your own choices about your life. Give yourself permission to put yourself first for a change and make decisions based on your values and instincts, not everyone else’s. I find this one particularly challenging, but I’m working on it.
2. Do things because you choose to or because they make you happy: it’s normal for some of our actions to be driven by guilt for things we have - or haven’t - done. But guilt engenders a sense of obligation which doesn’t serve anyone well. By consciously choosing not to play the part of victim or martyr, you’ll give yourself the space you need to find what makes you happy.
3. Be who you are, not what you want the world to see: none of us is perfect. Being human means being real, messy, imperfect, sometimes wrong, occasionally bad-tempered, but also FABULOUS. Sometimes I find it hard to embrace my imperfections, but I know that being kind to myself boosts my self-confidence. The time we spend comparing ourselves to others and trying to live up to their image is wasted effort. Effort that could be better invested elsewhere. More importantly, by trying to be more like other people - those we perceive as more successful or worthy - we’re robbing the world of our authentic selves. And we all have something to contribute.
4. Know what makes you special and unique: every single one of us has unique gifts and talents that make us good at particular roles, tasks and relationships. Learn what your gifts are, so you can put them to use. You can find out more about yourself by asking for feedback from friends and colleagues, and listening to compliments. Now, get out there and share your gifts with the world.
5. Know what makes you happy: this is not the same as knowing what makes other people happy, or what you think you should do to be accepted or successful. As long as you’re trying to adjust yourself to fit external expectations, then true happiness will always elude you. Explore what matters to you, know your core values, find out what your purpose is and trust your inner wisdom. Then let them guide you.
6. Find out what your emotional triggers are: we all have our own triggers: things that press our buttons, get under our skin and bring out the worst reactions in us. One of my core values is authenticity, so whenever I feel like I’m not being true to myself, I feel uneasy and lack confidence. Try to get a handle on your triggers by noticing the early warning signs (like a racing heart, flushed face or tight throat). Recognise the emotion so that you can see it for what it is and take responsibility for it. Try naming it out loud to someone else, like this: “I realise I’m feeling frustrated and it’s getting in the way of my thinking right now”. Vocalising your feelings can help you feel more in control - and confident - in difficult situations.
7. Do what you know is right: being authentic and living according to our own values isn’t always easy. Sometimes it can feel like swimming upstream, particularly if it involves disappointing others. But true confidence comes with being true to ourselves, even when that doesn't fit in with what other people want from us. Be strong and stay committed to being you, even when it feels scary. For me, honesty, authenticity and bravery are really important. When I’m true to myself and these values, confidence in my actions always follows.
8. Have your own opinions and say them out loud: most of us have opinions about lots of things (I certainly do!), we just don’t always share them. Fear of being disliked or appearing stupid may keep us from sharing our views. I often struggle to speak up and share my story, for fear of what people will think. But knowing your own mind and taking a stand for your beliefs with honesty and conviction will help boost your confidence. Not everyone will agree with you, but that’s fine. One of the most important aspects of confidence is saying it out loud.
9. Be vulnerable and let others see you for who you really are: showing our emotions and vulnerabilities doesn’t make us weak. Happiness, sadness, fear, uncertainty and the like are part of the human experience. We can’t leave all our emotions at home when we arrive at work and it would be pointless to try. Yes, showing vulnerability can be scary, but I promise you that it gets easier with practice. Being human and letting our emotions show fosters empathy and helps us to understand one another better. This makes us more comfortable - and ultimately, more confident - in each others’ company.
10. Be who you are - unapologetically: try not to start sentences with “sorry, but…”, don’t try to be perfect and don’t obsess about pleasing others. Your contributions, thoughts and feelings count as much as everyone else’s, so don’t let self-doubt stop you from reaching your goals. Let your authentic self thrive and you’ll be amazed how confident you feel. Accept compliments with a smile. Take risks. Have a go. Let your light shine. Yes, you’ll get things wrong sometimes but if you trust your own judgement and face the fear head on, you’ll still be loved for who you are.
How to feel - or at least appear - more confident is something that many of us aspire to, particularly in a professional capacity. Boosting self confidence isn’t an overnight process - for me it’s still very much a work in progress. But it’s definitely achievable. All it takes is patience, acceptance, a little bit of introspection and a commitment to giving yourself a break. Ignore those little voices that say, “you can’t”, and focus on the only one that matters: the one that says, “YOU CAN!”
