Why it’s time to start doing what we want, instead of what we think we should
“I should really get that report finished before I go home”.
“I shouldn’t rest this afternoon, the ironing needs to be done”.
“I should go to the gym more”.
“I am on holiday, I should go out every evening”.
Do any of these statements sound familiar (*averts eyes*)? Should and shouldn’t are dangerous words which are loaded with negative connotations, but most of us are guilty of using them pretty regularly: we tell ourselves that we should be doing more; we should be working harder; we should be better parents/partners; we should be more disciplined. Whatever the “should” or “shouldn’t”, the narrative is the same: what we are doing isn’t good enough.
The reason I’ve been thinking about this is because I’ve just returned from a blissfully relaxing week’s holiday in Majorca with my daughter Scarlet. And during the week, rather than trying out new restaurants every night, enjoying the wide variety of entertainment and activities available at the hotel, or zooming around the island to visit all the local attractions and places of historic interest, we did… well, very little actually! Instead, we passed the time by just taking it easy, eating from the buffet, topping up our Vitamin D levels and enjoying each other’s company. Most evenings we took the opportunity to kick back, read books, watch films, catch up with friends and basically… chill in our room!
I say this without a shred of shame or guilt about how we could (or should?) have been spending our vacation time. I know that there are some people who would say we’d squandered our time off or even wasted the week completely. But you know what? We enjoyed every moment, because we allowed ourselves to relax and unwind in the way that was right for us. We thought about what we really wanted from our week’s break - spending time together, doing very little and recharging the batteries for whatever life throws at us next - and instead of doing what we, or other people thought we should, we gave ourselves permission to do exactly what we needed.
It’s so easy in life to get caught up in what we think we should be doing, instead of listening to ourselves and doing what we really want and need, which is so important; not just when we're navigating change but all the time.
It goes without saying that we all have responsibilities, which means that there are certain things in life that we have to do. But a lot of the things we do are probably more firmly in the “should” category than we realise. What’s more, most of us spend a lot of energy torturing ourselves with things we think we “should” be doing, but which we never get around to.
If you want to explore the question too, then start by asking yourself whether you’re doing things because you (or other people) think you should, rather than because you actually want to. This can be a really difficult question to answer, as most of us aren’t used to pleasing ourselves. But whether it’s something as simple as wearing your pyjamas all day long, binge-watching series 1 and 2 of Bridgerton (again) on Netflix, or saying “no” to a social engagement, I highly recommend that you give it a try.
Having given myself permission to enjoy my recent holiday in exactly the way I wanted to, (instead of the way I thought I should), I plan to carry out a bit of an inventory of the rest of my life, and to explore whether there are other areas of my life in which I’m letting “should” take over from what I really want. That way, I can take control of the narrative and stop imposing unnecessary expectations on myself.
Why not try giving yourself permission to do what you choose - even if it’s only for 24 hours - and see what you discover about yourself in the process.
