How to thrive through change that we choose and change that we don’t

Whether or not you have followed the recent Platinum Jubilee celebrations (or simply enjoyed the extra bank holiday), it’s difficult not to be impressed by HRH’s 70 years on the throne. Particularly if you stop to think about the immense changes that have taken place during that time on societal, political and social levels.

Rewind to Queen Elizabeth’s coronation - 1952 - and the average family home cost just over £2000 (those were the days!). Only three out of five families owned a car, two out of three had a telephone, and just one in three homes had a television. It’s hard to compare that to modern life, in which most households have multiple cars and TVs, whilst by the age of 11, the majority of children have their own smartphone. Throw social media into the mix and it’s easy to see why it feels as though life moves too fast sometimes.

The Queen has certainly lived through considerable change during her reign. In an article on the BBC, she is quoted as saying, “change has become a constant. Managing it has become an expanding discipline.”

To a certain extent, this is probably true for us all. It certainly is for me.

Much of the change we encounter during our lives is brought about by personal choice. Change like embarking on a new relationship, moving house, taking our career in a new direction or learning a new skill is common and often welcome. However, sometimes the choices we make can also lead to change which feels unwelcome. If we take the example of moving into a new home: we may love the new neighbourhood and the fact that we now have space for a home office, but find the loss of security and familiarity difficult to adapt to. Not to mention the peripheral tasks moving house brings about, such as having to pack up our belongings (and unpack them again at the other end), and completing endless reams of mortgage paperwork. I’ve just sold my house and whilst I’m really looking forward to starting a new chapter and moving into a new place, at the same time I’m dreading all the extra work that comes along with it. So, for me, it’s both an exciting and a scary time.

Change that we choose and change that we don’t often arrive hand-in-hand. That’s why it’s important to build up resilience and learn strategies for coping and adapting to it.

Change is a constant in all of our lives. Here are some of the strategies that I find useful to help me face it head on.

Learn to say ‘no’

It might sound simple, but learning to say no is an essential weapon in our survival armoury. Particularly during times of intense change, it’s important not to overload ourselves with extra responsibilities, particularly those which carry an emotional burden. So if your boss needs someone to work overtime, or your friend needs a shoulder to cry on, perhaps you should think about holding back. Most likely, whatever they need can wait a few more days until you’ve got more to give. Saying no is important because it means putting your own needs ahead of the needs of others. It’s not always possible, but when it is, give it a try. You may find that people are more understanding than you gave them credit for. Personally, I don’t always manage this one. Sometimes I find it hard to say no, which can create more stress and leave me feeling overwhelmed. But I know that understanding my own limitations is really important, so it’s something I’m constantly working on.

Give yourself a break

We all know it makes sense, but when it comes down to it, we’re usually pretty hard on ourselves. Most of us judge ourselves too harshly - much more harshly than we judge other people. But expecting too much of ourselves, particularly in the face of change, can harm our productivity and even lead to anxiety and depression. There is an increasing body of evidence to suggest that self-compassion makes us more effective, healthier and happier people. Recently, I’ve got much better at judging myself less and showing myself more compassion. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being too hard on yourself. But I’ve found that when I’m living through change and coping with challenging times, being kind to myself really helps.

Redesigning

There’s no question that society places a high value on determination and perseverance. You don’t need to look very far to find T-shirts emblazoned with well-worn phrases like ‘never give up’, and we can all hear our mother’s words, “if at first you don’t succeed…”. Of course, traits like determination and perseverance play an important role in the path to success. However, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that the path sometimes meanders along the way. Life throws all kinds of challenges at us: change that we choose and change that we don’t. Either way, flexibility is key. Making a few tweaks - or even redesigning the entire journey - can be a hugely successful strategy. You can redesign on a micro level (think: postponing a meeting, or delaying responding to an email until you have more time) as often as needed. But you can also apply it to more significant change (such as delaying the exchange of contracts when moving house, or negotiating a sabbatical from work). At the start of the month, I decided to delay my planned relocation to a new office. The delay was just for a few days, but it really helped me to feel more in control and avoid overwhelm.

Redesigning is not the same as saying that you shouldn’t see things through. It’s more about acknowledging that there are different routes to achieving your goals. Redesign until you find the one that fits you best.

Reach out to other people

Speaking from experience, most of us find it difficult to ask for help. For some reason we see it as a failing, or think that people will perceive us as weak or inadequate. But do you feel that way when a friend comes to you for support? Somehow, I doubt it. Most of us gladly support our friends and family when they’re in need, so why do we find it hard to reach out when we need help ourselves? Friends and loved ones are an important part of our lives, particularly during times of change and uncertainty. Change, even when it’s positive, can leave us feeling insecure and reaching for an anchor. I’m lucky enough to have two supportive sisters who are currently helping me to organise my belongings ahead of a house move. I don’t always find it easy to ask for help, but on this occasion I’m glad that I did!

Take advantage of trusted relationships and call on friends and family when you need them. You’ll probably be surprised how willing they are to give you the support you’re looking for.

Change is a constant for us all, we just need to get better at adapting to it

In reality, it’s impossible to live a life without change. And given the choice, would any of us want to return to 1952? Houses may have been cheaper 70 years ago, but let’s not forget that a woman’s place was in the home, international travel was only just on the horizon, and there was no Netflix! Whether we choose it or not, change is something we all experience. And in general, it’s a good thing.

If - like me - you manage to apply some of these strategies some of the time, then you’re doing great! Hopefully, they can help us all to chart a smoother course through some of life’s challenges.

Find out more about thriving through change by downloading a free chapter of my upcoming book, The Woman’s Guide to Change, or subscribe to my weekly newsletter.