How do you choose a name and claim your identity?
As an adult, it’s harder than it seems to make a conscious, intentional choice to step forward, claim your true identity and then share it with others.
In this blog, I want to tell my own, personal story in the hope of inspiring others to be their authentic selves. Don’t worry - I’m not suggesting that everyone should change their name (although if that’s part of your journey, then why not?). I’m simply recommending that you take time, pause and consider who you really are at your core, then decide which of your unique qualities you want to shine a light on, and push into the foreground.
My story
When I took the time to process the end of my 17-year marriage and come to terms with the loss I was experiencing, I realised one thing beyond a shadow of a doubt: I wasn’t Kirsty Baker anymore. Although I might look the same, and certainly I possessed many of her habits, quirks and qualities, I definitely wasn’t her. In a similar position, many people choose to revert to their maiden name, but for me, that just didn’t feel like an authentic choice.
Revert: /rɪˈvəːt/ (verb)
to come or go back (as to a former condition, period, or subject)
The problem was, I didn’t want to ‘revert’ to my maiden name, because I didn’t feel like Kirsty Martin anymore either. I’m not the same person today as I was in my teens and early twenties. I’ve moved on, changed, evolved. It was suddenly crystal clear to me that I needed to make a conscious change. It was time for me to dig deep, connect with my core and reclaim my identity through my name.
Attending a leadership programme a good few years ago, I adopted the identity of Kirsty 12. During my time as Kirsty 12, I got to know and understand myself better, learned more about what I stand for and what my core purpose in life is. So, when I embarked on the hunt for a new name, I began by exploring the names I had been given throughout my life: from Kirsty 12 to family names and more. I also spent time thinking about the core qualities I wanted my name to transmit. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended up pretty close to home.
Maynor was my middle name when I was born, an amalgam of my two grandmothers’ names - May and Eleanor. As a teenager, I found the name embarrassing and hated it for being ‘weird’. But as an adult, I feel entirely differently about it and I’m completely ready to reclaim my uniqueness and eccentricity. What’s more, embracing the name ‘Maynor’ also means I’m respecting - and celebrating - the wonderful qualities of the two great women it came from: strength, compassion, grace, wisdom and sensitivity, to name a few.
However, choosing to adopt Maynor as my surname meant that, in effect, I was losing my middle name. And whilst I was attracted to the simplicity of being just ‘Kirsty Maynor’, somehow it didn’t feel quite right. Something was missing.
In the Great Smoky Mountains in North Carolina, one very early morning in Autumn, I stopped to listen to the stillness and the quiet voice in and around me. Star was born. I knew instinctively and absolutely that it was right.
This is an extract from my journal the morning I realised that Kirsty Star Maynor is who I am:
“I am connected and I am connection. I found myself here at Bend of Ivy, truly discovered myself and all my magic - in me, in others, in the space, in everything, in the mess and in the chaos. And while I may feel fear or anxiety about leaving here, never to return in this way again, I know I take my whole self with me and that, as I claim my new name I lock in and anchor all that I am and all that I am still becoming…
“I am Kirsty Star Maynor, simple yet complex, quirky and unique, guiding and inspiring, authentic and complete, connected and one with all others, bright and shining, strong and everlasting, rooted in the past, pointing to the future, quirky, offbeat and yet drawing others to me. And I am so blessed, to have all of this in my life, to be able to truly connect to my core, my gifts and to share that for the sake of making a difference in this life, in this world. I will play my part. I will do and be all that I can to grow and stretch and support and challenge others. I dedicate my life to serving others as a leader - to igniting the core in others so that we may all live brighter lives; and we may be (in the words of Donna Milofsky) specialer. The sun rises on a new day.”
I decided to celebrate my new name by holding a naming ceremony, which I shared with my CTI (www.thecoaches.com) Leadership Tribe. Crossing the river early on that late October morning, I left the old me behind. I emerged, complete and content in my new identity, surrounded by some of the most inspirational, humbling and powerful leaders I have ever met, and wrote these words:
“I am here. All of me. Rooted and anchored in the past, facing toward the future, leaning into tomorrow while breathing today. In that moment in the river I knew I was ready to emerge as Kirsty Star Maynor, to step fully up and into who I am now and who I will become. With one breath I left the old behind and launched my new chapter. And to do so with love and support and holding from Donna, and surrounded by every member of my tribe around me meant more than I will ever be able to put into words. I am touched to the depths of my soul that they all came for me. And I see that what I did this morning was not just for me, but in fact for us all - that the power of consciously choosing a life and identify for ourselves, of not having to conform or belong to anyone but to be free to live our lives in our way is a gift - a gift that so many people need. And I bring that gift to others now that I have learned to bring it to myself. I feel calm and still, a deep inner knowing and security, a pool inside me where belief in who I am and why I am here can anchor me and allow me to reach out and connect and create, knowing that no matter where I go or what risks I take I have a place inside me to return to. And what I know is that I can find that place in others too - in the depths of their eyes, in the warmth of their heart and the beauty of their souls. And I can also find it in the space - in the space between two leaves or two molecules of water. And I can also find it in everything, in chaos by reaching between and within the chaos and drawing out the stillness or whatever else will serve me. ”
Finally, this is a poem I came across on the morning of my naming ceremony, which captures the moment perfectly:
Ripe Dark Fruit by Tosha Silver
Somehow
Mysteriously
you wake one day
bowing
goodbye
to all ways
that take everything
and give nothing
your world shifts
on its axis
ripe dark fruit
hangs down from
secret
unseen
trees.
I hope that sharing my story inspires you to connect with who you really are, to move forward and become a more complete version of that person. As an individual in this world, it’s important to be able to connect to - and love - your own core. If you don’t, it’s impossible to help and encourage others to do the same.
Kirsty * Maynor
PS: I didn’t know this before, but when you change your name, you’re given a new birth certificate. So now I have two birthdays!
