The myths of change

The chances are you’ve faced change in your life.  The chances are that you’re facing it now! Life doesn’t stay the same.  We decide to shake things up, apply for a new job, move house, or just experiment with a new morning routine.  Or life decides to shake things up for us with the loss of jobs, those we love, health changes and so on.  Sometimes we see it coming, sometimes we don’t, and yet we all believe things that can get in the way of us living through change in a way that truly moves us forward.  We can get caught up in the myths about how we ‘should’ live through change  

There’s a chapter in my book, Untangled, where I recount the story of being made redundant around Christmas 2008 and how, even as a Change Management Specialist, I suddenly discovered that everything I knew about change was a myth and didn’t apply to my situation.

So let’s explore the 10 myths of change, how they get in our way and how to reframe them so you can handle both the change you choose, and the change you don’t.

Myth 1: You have to take a giant leap

You’ve probably heard of the phrase ‘take the leap’, the idea that if you want to create change in your lives, you have to do it in one BIG leap. It’s enough to stop you from even thinking about making a change in the first place! And it's also not true. The reality is, that taking a giant leap is not sustainable for most of us. When we’re looking to create change in our lives, we normally need to take baby steps. If you find yourself getting caught up in the mindset of having to take one giant leap, stop. Look for the baby steps and even crawl if you have to!

Myth 2: You need self-belief

You need to believe in yourself in order to create change in your life, right? Not necessarily. From what I’ve seen from the last 25 years of working with individuals, teams and organisations to help them with change, it is that self-belief is actually waiting for you on the other side. If you wait until you believe in yourself enough to go for that new job, start a new hobby or embark on a new relationship you'll be waiting a long time. Start taking the steps and that self-belief will come.

Myth 3: You have to have complete clarity

Before making a change, most people assume you must have complete clarity about where you're going and what you want to achieve. The reality is that most of the time that isn't possible! More often than not, we don't have the time or the experience to work out exactly what we want before we start taking the first steps.

Imagine you’re on a path and there’s fog all around you - as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will reach your destination. And eventually, the fog will clear and you’ll see where you’re headed. So don’t wait to see where you’ll end up, instead start moving forward and trust the path will unfold in front of you.

Myth 4: You need to get less sleep

If you want to create change, the answer is to get up even earlier and do all the work before you even put the toast on the table. Right? If you are a morning person, absolutely. Get up early and get everything done before you fully start the day. But, if you need an extra 10 minutes in bed, or if when you get out of bed, you're so busy dealing with children or other commitments that you don't have time to prioritise change, that's okay too. Prioritise change when it's right for you. Make time when you're at your best and you’ll find it’s a much more sustainable way to create change in your life.

Myth 5: You have to be single-minded

You may want to just focus on this change and nothing else. Th reality is that, for most people, this simply isn’t possible. As humans, we have multiple responsibilities and interests so it isn’t realistic to prioritise our change and let everything else go. You do need to have singular focus on your change to achieve it and you need to carve out time and space (including headspace), to create change that you want to. This can be in small pockets of time when it works for you and your life.

As an example, I am terrible at multitasking. Ask my daughter, if she's talking to me and I'm trying to do something else, the chances of me hearing what she's saying are very limited. I need to be able to focus on one thing at a time and prioritise that. So if you're looking to be single-minded about your change, make it intentionally single-minded in pockets of time and space, rather than dropping everything else.

Myth 6: It’s either you or them

By them, I mean your partner, your children, your parents or co-workers and others you connect with. You’re probably not about to ditch your family or friends in pursuit of your new future (unless that is your new future) and you'll probably find the change a lot more meaningful, and sustainable, if you can include them in your plans and ideas from the outset. In Chapter 1 of Untangled, I share the story of how I involved my daughter in my business to various degrees over the years. As a single parent, I would have found it almost impossible to do anything else and she's known some of my team members for years. I wanted to involve her in my work and for her to be connected with my life, and whilst I maybe didn't always make the right decisions on that front, integrating the different parts of my life in this way has worked well and given us both much bigger gifts along the way. 

So if you're facing change, it's time to consider how you can integrate the people that matter in your life into this journey with you.

Myth 7: You can drop all the other balls

You may believe that you have to drop all the other roles so you can focus on the change in your life. The reality is that's not possible. Most of us have multiple roles and responsibilities in our lives and we can’t drop them all to face change. The key is knowing which balls will bounce and not break and which ones are made of crystal and will break if you drop them. Recognising where you can delegate and where your attention is vital is key to ensuring that you live through change successfully.

Myth 8: Change has to look good

We sometimes only see the pretty end results of change rather than the messy middle. But the messy middle is essential to get the final outcome. Think about decorating your house - halfway through it looks worse than when you started! But when you’ve finished, and your friends are admiring the new colour of your walls, they won’t have seen that process. Whether it's change you've chosen in your life or whether there's change that life has thrown at you, there is always an element of mess. Things have to stop, things have to get left behind, and things have to end.

I want you to know that is part of the process. It can be difficult, but it is part of living through change. If you think it has to look good and that's stopping you from engaging in change, it’s time to let go of that myth and find a way to work with the mess and the chaos.

Myth 9: You have to drive change

For those of you (including me) who are control freaks - or even reformed ones - I understand that you will want to be in control of change but in reality, change is the one in charge most of the time. All you can do is fasten your seat belt, cling on and know that it will pass. That’s the key to overcoming this barrier to change, is remembering that it will not be like this forever. It's temporary. All you have to do is breathe, and let the change flow. The less you resist it, the more becomes possible.

Myth 10: You have to be kind to yourself

Here we are -  our last change myth! Number ten is the myth that you have to be kind to yourself, and this one's a bit of a twist because you do have to be kind to yourself, but maybe not in the way you think. Often we think kindness is treating ourselves, like buying a bar of chocolate or going for a spa day, but sometimes being kind to yourself is doing the things you might not want to do, but you know will benefit you in the long run. This could be prioritising sleep or making yourself a healthy meal instead of ordering a takeaway. Understanding what you need to do, and doing it even when it’s tough, because you know it’s in your best interest (like getting kids to eat their vegetables), is what will really help you navigate change.

These are beliefs that a lot of us will have held for a long time, so don’t worry if you have to keep revisiting this list and reminding yourself what change really looks like. Change is different for everyone, but hopefully you now feel in a better place to tackle it. Just keep moving forward, and you’ll get there.

Take a minute to reflect on which myths might be getting in the way of you creating a change you long for in your life - what might become possible if you could put that myth to one side?